Posts
One thing I know from personal experience is that forgiveness is genuinely given and received, it is like someone stopped standing on my air hose. Seriously. If you were living in my skin, you would know that I have had more times to be on the receiving end of forgiveness than should be humanly possible. I've always said that Paul wrote that he was "the chiefest of sinners" simply because I hadn't been born yet! I have received forgiveness from my husband, my child, my parents, my friends...the list truly is ad naseum. However, one thing I have noticed is that although asking for forgiveness has become easier, it still can be hard! And being the one to forgive can be even harder!
If true forgiveness is so restorative and uplifting, why is it so difficult? As I've pondered this question, I realized I was looking at the content or specifics regarding different scenarios. So, I had to ponder harder (which can make my brain hurt and lock up, by the way) to understand the process underlying these scenarios. I prefer the simplest explanation because it's one my brain can comprehend. From my perspective, the reason forgiveness can be so difficult is due to two factors: Pride and Fear.
The definition of pride to which I am referring is an "inordinate opinion of one's own dignity" (thank you, again, dictionary.com). An inordinate opinion of one's own dignity...even the definition itself explains why forgiveness can be so difficult to ask for or enact, yet it offers the solution to make it easier and more authentic! Many people refuse to apologize because they would find this humiliating. They refuse to sacrifice their dignity because of pride. The key word in the definition of pride is "inordinate." In this case, many think they will be humiliated because they have a sense of dignity that is not within reasonable limits. Perhaps they believe their standing relative to another person will be threatened, so they do not approach another in humility so the relationship can be restored.
Another reason people refuse to seek forgiveness still involves pride but in a different way. They do not deem themselves worthy of forgiveness. They believe that they have committed such wrong that they shouldn't be forgiven. Again, this is unreasonable because their view of themselves is far beneath another person rather than seeing themselves simply as one who made a mistake. They berate themselves rather than humble themselves. Anxiety is felt when the possible threat of danger is detected, so the anxiety (i.e., fear or apprehension) is felt because of the perceived danger to their dignity.
People, also, can refuse to forgive others for the same reasons, pride and fear. Some may prefer the "one up" position they perceive to be in when someone asks their forgiveness. It gives them a sense of power they do not want to give up. Some may have perceived themselves in a lower position relative to others, and having someone indebted to them levels the playing field, so to speak. Again, the key word is inordinate, unreasonable. People are people, and people are flawed. To avoid the trap of pride, the focus needs to be dignity of both self and others; not the inordinate dignity of pride but genuine dignity.
Dignity resides in respect for both self and others and an understanding of the importance of forgiveness. Everyone has been on both sides of forgiveness. Dignity is the force that enables us to forgive because we know how it feels to be forgiven.
Fear plays another role in why forgiveness can be difficult. Sometimes we are asked to forgive a hurt that seems too great to bear. Perhaps it is a hurt that is recurring. We forgive someone only to have them hurt us again in the same way. Forgiveness does not mean to set aside reason and discernment. We can forgive someone of a wrong yet the relationship that is restored is more realistic. If the offense is recurring, we can choose not to trust that person with our personal thoughts and feelings. We can discern that the risk of intimacy is too great. Forgiveness still is enacted because we are not holding a grudge about a past offense. However, wisdom dictates greater caution in relating to the person who continually harms us. We still have the freedom and authority to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and socially. If the only reason we won't forgive is because we fear being hurt, we risk living in isolation from others as well as ourselves.
If true forgiveness is so restorative and uplifting, why is it so difficult? As I've pondered this question, I realized I was looking at the content or specifics regarding different scenarios. So, I had to ponder harder (which can make my brain hurt and lock up, by the way) to understand the process underlying these scenarios. I prefer the simplest explanation because it's one my brain can comprehend. From my perspective, the reason forgiveness can be so difficult is due to two factors: Pride and Fear.
The definition of pride to which I am referring is an "inordinate opinion of one's own dignity" (thank you, again, dictionary.com). An inordinate opinion of one's own dignity...even the definition itself explains why forgiveness can be so difficult to ask for or enact, yet it offers the solution to make it easier and more authentic! Many people refuse to apologize because they would find this humiliating. They refuse to sacrifice their dignity because of pride. The key word in the definition of pride is "inordinate." In this case, many think they will be humiliated because they have a sense of dignity that is not within reasonable limits. Perhaps they believe their standing relative to another person will be threatened, so they do not approach another in humility so the relationship can be restored.
Another reason people refuse to seek forgiveness still involves pride but in a different way. They do not deem themselves worthy of forgiveness. They believe that they have committed such wrong that they shouldn't be forgiven. Again, this is unreasonable because their view of themselves is far beneath another person rather than seeing themselves simply as one who made a mistake. They berate themselves rather than humble themselves. Anxiety is felt when the possible threat of danger is detected, so the anxiety (i.e., fear or apprehension) is felt because of the perceived danger to their dignity.
People, also, can refuse to forgive others for the same reasons, pride and fear. Some may prefer the "one up" position they perceive to be in when someone asks their forgiveness. It gives them a sense of power they do not want to give up. Some may have perceived themselves in a lower position relative to others, and having someone indebted to them levels the playing field, so to speak. Again, the key word is inordinate, unreasonable. People are people, and people are flawed. To avoid the trap of pride, the focus needs to be dignity of both self and others; not the inordinate dignity of pride but genuine dignity.
Dignity resides in respect for both self and others and an understanding of the importance of forgiveness. Everyone has been on both sides of forgiveness. Dignity is the force that enables us to forgive because we know how it feels to be forgiven.
Fear plays another role in why forgiveness can be difficult. Sometimes we are asked to forgive a hurt that seems too great to bear. Perhaps it is a hurt that is recurring. We forgive someone only to have them hurt us again in the same way. Forgiveness does not mean to set aside reason and discernment. We can forgive someone of a wrong yet the relationship that is restored is more realistic. If the offense is recurring, we can choose not to trust that person with our personal thoughts and feelings. We can discern that the risk of intimacy is too great. Forgiveness still is enacted because we are not holding a grudge about a past offense. However, wisdom dictates greater caution in relating to the person who continually harms us. We still have the freedom and authority to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and socially. If the only reason we won't forgive is because we fear being hurt, we risk living in isolation from others as well as ourselves.
