11/11/11: Thankful for Veterans and Those Still Fighting

"Nov. 11: Thankful to all Veterans and those still fighting for preserving my freedom. Wish you could go on the front line at the US Capital where I fear my freedom is in danger the most."


Today is Veteran's Day, which naturally turns my attention to those who fought and still are fighting to preserve the freedom that I have as an American citizen.  I truly am thankful for the men and women who do what I do not do.  I do not actively participate in a military.  I do not gather intelligence on the enemy.  I do not help plan or execute any campaigns.  I do not sacrifice to leave my family for months or years to go to the front lines of a battle against terrorists or other foes who try to take my life and to take away the liberties we have as Americans.  


Or do I?


While I truly am thankful for those who formally have served and are serving this country, I want to take this opportunity to discuss those of us who do not formally serve but serve just the same.


I am an American.  My weapon is my choice.  I can choose to vote, or I can choose not to vote.  If I choose to vote, I can choose for whom I vote.  I can choose to vote "party line" or I can choose to vote for individuals, regardless of party affiliation or lack thereof.  


I am an American.  My weapon is my voice.  I can choose to speak out, or I can choose to remain silent.  If I choose to speak, I can choose the media through which I speak.  I can speak one on one.  I can write to my representative in our republic.  I can write a blog post.  I can write a Facebook status.  I can place a bumper sticker on my car or a sign in my yard.  I can wear a t-shirt.  


I am an American.  My weapon is my intellect.  I can choose to use it, or I can choose not to use it.  I can choose how much information I want to consider or how little.  I can choose how to gather than information, which sources I deem credible and which I do not.  I can discern what is going on around me.  I can choose to stick my head in the proverbial sand of denial and avoidance.


I am an American.  My weapon is my liberties.  I can choose to exercise my freedom and owning the responsibility that goes with my freedom.  Viktor Frankl wrote that the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast should be accompanied by a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast, and I believe that wholeheartedly!  While I cannot erect such a statue on my own, I can embrace the message and choose to live my life by that message.  


I am an American.  My immediate enemy is not the person with the bomb or the gun; rather, my immediate enemy is apathy and quiet surrender to those who, in the name of democracy, attempt to remove my liberties one by one until I realize that I have very few freedoms left.  My battle line is to recognize and confront propaganda, regardless from which camp it emanates, and to discern the lies and falsehoods from the truth.


I am an American who is thankful for our military forces.  


I am an American who can fight a different war to make their fighting worthwhile.

11/10/11: Music

"Nov. 10: Thankful for Music"


If I were to expound upon the many reasons I am thankful for music, I would be writing for hours.  Music is a vital part of lives but often is not even noticed.  Try watching a movie without a musical score and you would realize how much music goes unnoticed.  Now, imagine life without music.  I truly believe there would be an increase in every unpleasant human event--crime, violence, suicide, neglect, you name it!


Yes, I am thankful for music in general, but I also am thankful for music personally.  I am thankful that my Mom was more stubborn than I and, with the use of many threats and spankings, made me practice the piano.  I am thankful that my junior high choir teacher, Mrs. Cathy Tanner, realized that I was an accompanist and not a concert pianist.  I prefer to be in the background, either playing with an ensemble or accompanying singers.  Maybe that's why my first paragraph turned out the way I hadn't planned, thankful for background music.  I am thankful that the piano teacher I had in junior high, Mrs. Jane Blackerby, realized that I see music and, being a math teacher, taught me by emphasizing my innate ability to see the math in the music which helps me sight read better than I could have otherwise.  I don't play much anymore, but when asked I like being able to say yes.  I also like singing, but like piano I prefer to sing in a group, never solos.  I get so anxious that my voice comes out so much worse than it actually is, which is bad because it ain't that great in the first place!  However, I'm an alto who can read music, so there's some value in that.


In actuality, when I wrote I was thankful for music, I wasn't thinking at all about all of the stuff I mentioned in the previous two paragraphs.  I was thinking of something very specific that happened on the morning of Nov. 10.  Geyer Springs hosted a workshop for the PRISM Music Publishing Company and requested that some of the choir members attend so the music ministers who would be there could hear how the choral music sounded, especially since the majority of the attendees would be men.  Given that I now have some flexibility in my work schedule, I was able to attend.  I was greeted by Jon Skelly, my current Minister of Music.  I sat by Paul Buck, my previous Minister of Music. Afterwards I spoke with Mark Davis, one of my other previous Ministers of Music.  That was pretty cool.


The lyrics of one of the songs we sang is the specific reason I wrote that I was thankful for music.  I wish I could remember the song title and who wrote it, but I didn't snap a photo of the title page. I did, however, snap a photo of the chorus because the words spoke so powerfully to me:
"God, You are God even when I don't feel You.
 God, You are God even when I don't see You.
 I will worship, I will worship.
 God, You are God when I feel like I'm falling.
 God, You are God, beyond my understanding.
 I will worship, I will worship."


Wow! Talk about speaking to me right where I need it most!  If you have read any of my previous posts, particularly my "Post with No Name," you understand why these words meant so much to me.  I am a thinker.  I look for evidence.  I believe what I see, not what I hear.  So many times, people say one thing but their actions say quite another.  I look for proof.  I have a believing heart but I try my faith.  Every time I try it, God proves it, but I still keep trying it.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  I don't think it shows that I am weak.  Then again, I always thought Thomas got a bad rap.  


Thomas was a thinker, too, a skeptic who demanded proof.  He wasn't going to believe that Jesus had risen simply because someone said so.  He tried his faith.  Jesus understood that.   He understood Thomas' nature even more than Thomas did.  Jesus offered Thomas the proof.  Jesus passed the test and Thomas' faith was strengthened.  The term "Doubting Thomas" has taken on such a negative connotation that I think is quite unfair.  Even the scripture used to attack Thomas as weak is, I think, misinterpreted by so many people, people for whom believing and having faith is easier than it was for people like Thomas, and like me.


²⁴ Now Thomas (also known as Didymus^[a]), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. ²⁵ So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”

   But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

 ²⁶ A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” ²⁷Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

 ²⁸ Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”

 ²⁹ Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

John 20: 24-29

I want to pay particular attention to verse 29: "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."  I do not think Jesus was telling Thomas, "Shame on you.  You should have been like these others who did not question.  They are so much better followers of me because they believed.  You, however, required proof, so you are a lesser and weaker follower of Me."  That is the way it has been interpreted by many who follow up with, "Just believe."  For someone like me, however, that interpretation does nothing more than add to feelings of shame and guilt for being, what?, for being ME, for being the person God made me to be?  Why would Jesus shame that?

I have another interpretation of that verse.  I think Jesus was not referring to the other disciples in the room when He said "those."  I believe Jesus was referring to those of us who, like Thomas, are critical thinkers who look for evidence to support our faith and who don't "just believe."  I think

Jesus freely offered the proof that Thomas needed because Jesus knew Thomas, knew the person he was, knew that others throughout time would be much like him, and Jesus offered proof to Thomas specifically, stating that others like Thomas were blessed by believing the proof He offered Thomas.  People like me are the "those."

That's what those lyrics told me.  God was affirming to me in the way that He knows I need that He is still God even when I don't feel Him, when I can't see Him, and even when my mind can't comprehend or understand.  He is God when no evidence or proof is readily available to prove the trying of my faith. He is God and loves me when my thinking mind makes me doubt, and there is nothing wrong with my skepticism, just like there was nothing wrong with Thomas'.  He loves the skeptics because He made us that way, and He is not limited by my skepticism.  Rather, He offers the proof I need when I look for it because that is what helps me talk with others just like me, people who don't "just believe," and I am able to talk to them from a perspective they understand.  God is God for everyone, for every temperament, not just for those for whom faith is as natural as my skepticism.  He is God no matter what, and I will worship Him.

THAT'S why I was thankful for music.

11/09/11: Toothpaste

"Nov. 9: Thankful for toothpaste"


I know that seems odd, but my friend, Sherri de Jesus, reminded me to look for out of the ordinary things for which to be thankful, like Zotz and Whistle Pops.  Yesterday, I realized just how thankful I was for toothpaste.


I had worked a very long day at SEAHDC in Warren.  I had to rewrite Behavior Support Plans for August because the old computer program they were on just quit.  I also had to write Psychology Progress Notes for every resident (102), and I had to write Behavior Support Committee Summaries for the residents to be reviewed in November.  Yep, a lot of writing.  So what does this have to do with toothpaste.  One thing: I WAS THERE FOREVER AND I HAD DRAGON BREATH!!! 


You see, when you have dragon breath, no gum or fireball can help.  It just douses the flames for a little while but even that's deceptive because all of that just coats your tongue and fans the flames of the dragon breath.  So, last night when I finally got home, I brushed my teeth and tongue...for a long time.  I realized how much I loved that my teeth didn't feel hairy anymore.  I knew I could kiss my husband without burning his eyebrows off.  That's why I'm thankful for toothpaste.  


I don't want my eyebrows burned off either.

11/08/11: YaYa's

"Nov. 8: Thankful for my YaYa's: Arlene Allen, Nina Johnson, and Cindy Prince.  Love my 'old' friends! LOL!"


Yesterday, I wrote about being thankful for a new dear friend.  Today, I am writing because I am thankful for my "old" dear friends.  Even though I am blessed still to be friends with several people I have known for years, I am writing about my YaYa's, Arlene, Nina, and Cindy.


I call them my "old" friends for two reasons.  First, I have known them over 20 years.  Second, because they all are older than I am (even though they don't look it), and I take every opportunity I can to rub it in, precisely because they don't look it!


We started calling ourselves YaYa's because we all got together for a girls' weekend, and that's the movie we watched.  About 8 people were supposed to be there, but for various reasons it ended up being just the four of us, and we have done things together ever since.  We try to get together every 3-4 months, but that rarely happens.  We may not see each other much, but when we do, we just pick up where we left off.  Yes, like the movie YaYa's, we have goofy names.  I won't tell anyone else's but I will share mine, Princess Enigma.  That's because I am the Sesame Street song "One of these things is not like the others.  One of these things is not quite the same."  Yep that's me.


These women are the best sisters an only child never had.  They were with me around the clock when my dad was in the hospital right before he died.  They had it planned that I would not be alone, so they were upset with themselves that they had gone home to sleep after days and nights of being by my side, only to have my dad die with only Dave and me in the room.  That was God's plan, not theirs.  They took me to Florida two days after my dad's funeral, helped me laugh, held me when I cried.  Nina still has both parents.  I was with Cindy when her dad passed and with Arlene when her mom did.  That's because we are family.  And if the time comes for Nina to need us at that time, we will be there.


Between the three of them, I think they know me completely.  Well, almost completely.  They know my most shameful parts of my past and loved and edified me completely.  They know my weaknesses and my strengths.  I don't know if they know my dreams and fantasies, though.  I usually keep those hidden quite well, but if any were to guess, it would be them.  


Several years ago, our world was shaken when Arlene was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I always say that I willed her to live, and if I could have I would have.  I refused to consider the possibility that she would die.  I refused to acknowledge that, even when she sat me down and made me help her plan her funeral.  I did, but I would not allow myself to believe that it could happen soon.  This was for many years later, and everything would change by then.  I could shave her head and make her eat pudding, but I refused to allow her to die or think that it was a foregone conclusion.  Arlene, I don't have the faintest clue what you told me about your funeral, so if you want me to know your wishes for when you die, you'll have to tell me again.  I may not remember them now either, so I suggest writing them down.  (FYI:  Yes, she beat it.  She stared that disease down the barrel and defied it to take her.  Cancer backed down because it realized it had come across a formidable foe and it had no chance.  She's still cancer free and does not require scans anymore.  Another praise to the blessings of God!)


I met Arlene when she was pregnant with her daughter.  I played for her wedding this spring and she was the most beautiful bride.  Cindy was supposed to be in the delivery room with David and me until it was obvious that they were going to have to go in and get Jadyn because he was just too fat, happy, and content to come out on his own.  Dave and I visited Nina on a 4-wheeler in a foot of snow right after we found out I was pregnant, and I thought she was going to kick my pregnant self all the way across town.  We have rejoiced with all four of Cindy's grandchildren.  Yep...we've shared a lot.


We've experienced a lot together.  It's not always been easy.  We've had our very tough times, sometimes as a group, sometimes between individuals in our group.  But one thing is for certain: No matter how tough the times, the bonds of our friendship were stronger.  You are my sisters in Christ as well as in life, and I love you all so much.


YaYa!

11/07/11: Laura

"Nov. 7: So thankful for my friend, Laura Thompson Robertson, whose iron sharpens mine in so many ways."


In my "Parents" post, I repeated one parenthetical phrase "(more on that later)".  Well, it's later, and Laura is it.  As Laura put it, "Best. Story. Ever" is that our sons were friends and became best friends after my son knocked out her son at extended care and gave him a concussion.  Yes, the first time I ever saw Laura, she was pushing Tucker in a wheelchair and passed me standing by a tearful Jadyn and the first conversation went something like this:


Me: "I'm so sorry."
Laura: "That's ok."


There's the making of a great friendship, I tell ya!  


The boys were in second grade.  I think the next time I actually spoke to Laura was when they boys were in the same third grade class.  I re-introduced myself as the mom of the kid who knocked out her son and apologized again.  She said, "Are you kidding me?  That was the best thing that ever happened to Tucker!  Sure his brothers have been to the ER before, but he's the only one who ever had a concussion and he still reminds them of that!"  I loved her for that.


Even with the above story, Laura and Jim allowed Tucker to come to our house to spend the night with Jadyn.  They got along great!  This mother's heart was overflowing because I had been praying that Jadyn would find that "best friend," that buddy that just "fit."  I could tell by the way they interacted that Tucker was that buddy.  I didn't say anything; I just praised God, you know, a just-between-God-and-me kind of thing.


It was either the next night or the next weekend, I can't remember, and Tucker invited Jadyn to his house.  Again, they had a wonderful time.  When I picked up Jadyn, Laura and I began talking about our boys.  She said that even though Tucker had talked about a lot of friends, Jadyn was the first he referred to as his "best friend."  She talked about how they had played together wonderfully, even all four of them!  Then she said something I'll never forget: "I have been praying that Tucker would find that best friend that he just clicked with, and I think Jadyn's that friend."  I couldn't believe it!  I knew right then that not only would our boys be great friends but that Laura and I would be, too.  I shared with her that I had been praying the same thing for Jadyn and had thanked God for providing Tucker.  Now THAT'S the way a truly intimate friendship starts, prayer.


From that time on, Laura and I have gotten to know each other well.  We have had lunch together more times than I can count.  We hung out at her kitchen table while our boys went sledding (because the snow didn't make it to Malvern that year).  We talk on the phone and text.  We share burdens, hopes, weaknesses, and triumphs.  We tell each other it's normal to want to beat our boys, husbands included!  We know when NOT to call each other because we would be the ones who end up in a holding cell together saying, "Yeah...it was worth it!" We've prayed together.  We've even thought of writing together.  A link to her blog is on my page, and I highly recommend it.


She is a wonderful friend not only because we have things in common but because we are so different.  We make each other think differently.  It frightens her sometimes when she has what she calls "a Julie Moment" and she puts her hands to her head, shakes it, and makes a noise somewhere between a growl and a groan.  Not sure how to take that one, my friend!  I like it when I think like her because her faith and belief are so unshakable.  She is the one who wouldn't take my weak excuse of FB outline and challenged me to write it.  Sharpened once again, I'm writing.


Laura, my life is so much more blessed with you in it, and I am so grateful to know my sister in Christ now rather than having to wait and meet you in Heaven.  I NEED you now; in Heaven, not so much I think.  I love you, my friend.

11/06/11: Husband's Provision for a New Path

"Nov. 6: Thankful for a husband who provided a way for me to bust out of a work rut and explore different roads."


I didn't put this with my post about how thankful I am for Dave because I was saving this part specifically for this post.  Dave always has been such a hard worker.  He is a mechanical genius, and no I am not exaggerating.  I've heard him diagnose heavy truck problems simply by listening to the engine noise over the phone and being able to tell the other guy not only what exactly was wrong but which wire to look for and what to expect to find.  I don't know about you, but that's genius in my book.


Anyway, Dave always has been a hard worker and a good provider, but because of the nature of his job, he has not always been able to provide one thing we need, good health insurance.  Either where he worked wouldn't have good insurance or we both knew that for various reason his tenure would not be long (e.g., type of work environment, too much travel, etc.). So, I stayed at my former job primarily for the benefits, especially during the past four years.  Sure, it was a good place to work, but it was becoming more obvious to me with each passing year that the fit wasn't right.  I love the people and even loved what I did, but pieces were missing that could not be placed while I was there.


When Dave took a position at Riggs Caterpillar, that was my liberation.  The health insurance he had was better than what I could provide, and he had found a wonderful place to work.  We talked and agreed that it was time for me to turn the responsibility of benefits over to him and to explore career options available to me.


My first path was as the consulting psychologist for the Southeast Arkansas Human Development Center in Warren, AR.  I love it there!  I love what I do there!  I love data analysis, evaluating Quality Indicators, consulting with the staff, and writing behavior programs for the residents.  I get to go in my little office and lose myself for hours in data and writing.  This is such a refreshing change from being a therapist, not that I mind being a therapist but having been one full time for 17 years had taken its toll and I had reached burn out, bad burn out.  I felt like a shell of a person.  Even though I loved the therapy work I did, I needed something work-related that met my need, and for now my need is solitude.  Recently, I was asked to be part of a working group that will be writing the behavior management policies for the HDCs in the state, and I am very stoked about that!


I knew I needed a nest, a place in Little Rock where I could go and, you guessed it, just be alone.  I needed my books and writing notebooks surrounding me.  I needed a place of peace, a sanctuary where I could retreat and think, focus on myself a bit.  This really isn't as self-absorbed as it sounds.  I wanted to think about what I wanted to do with my career at this time in my life. I needed my space physically as well as in my own mind.  I talked about having healthy boundaries with patients, and it was time for me to establish some for myself.  So, I have a nest at the SoHo Centre on West Markham, Suite B3 to be exact, and it is right next door to one of my great friends, Dr. Jody Hagen.  


I had not even been away from the Rice Clinic (former Rice-Lewis Clinic) for a full week and I was approached by a physician friend about some possibilities.  One I followed up and it is very promising.  The other still is in the works.  But that's just it...I'm working on something NEW, and I desperately needed to stretch myself, to work in another direction, to achieve something different.  I needed variety to prevent the burn out that I have endured, and variety is what I am getting.


Yes, I do hope to have a small practice some day.  I have a few technicalities to work through but it will happen.  I'm not sure when but it will.  And, yes, it will be right here in my little nest at SoHo Centre, where there is a free coffee bar as a perk!


So, during this time of reflection, I am thankful for the provision my husband has given, knowing that all blessing are provided by God.  I don't know what my future holds, but He does.  I am confident that as long as I am being wise, my efforts will be rewarded and for me, rewards take many forms.

11/05/11: Axis & Allies

"Nov. 5: Thankful that my guys and I played Axis & Allies all evening."


When Dave was a teenager, he and his friends often played the board game "Axis & Allies."  Before Jadyn was born, I went to Toronto.  While I was there, I went to a toy store to find my mom a Beany Baby with the Canadian flag on it (don't ask...at least not now), and I spotted that game.  I bought it and carried it on the plane as my carry-on bag.  Have you seen how big that box is?  Why did I not wait until I got home to buy it?  That's just me.  I can be impulsive like that.  I saw it, remembered how much Dave liked it, and bought it for him because he had helped me go to Toronto to see Les Miserables because Colm Wilkinson had joined that touring company.  Long story, but that's just one of the many reasons I love Dave so much.  So...I bought the game and we still laugh at how I looked walking off the plane with it!


Dave introduced Jadyn to the game, and Jadyn loves it, too!  He's still learning the strategy, but he'll pick it up.  So, starting Friday night, we had a family weekend of Axis & Allies.  I am thankful that my two guys and I like each other so much that we played a board game for several hours, late into the night on both Friday and Saturday nights.  That's quality family time, and I loved every second of it...even though I lost when I played as the Allies.  I always lose when I play as the Allies.  Wonder what that says about me?


Looking forward to more family game nights!